I Shouldn't Be Alive, I Don't Want to Be
by lalalaughter101
Summary: After being the only survivor of her school massacre, Bella moves to England to leave her old life and get away from the hounding paparazzi. There she meets HIM. But, there are certain twists. Awful at summarizing so please just R&R thanks!
1. I shouldn't be alive

Okay this is my first fanfic so please be nice thanks!

Also, it's not really much like twilight, but the guy that I am using is Tom Sturridge, who I think should have gotten the part of Edward but whatever :) Please read and review thanks!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any part of Twilight no matter how much I wish I did. But I do own this plot

well here it is...also, if someone has a better title then could you please tell me because somehow I just don't like this one that much. Oh and yes it gets happier don't worry :)

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**I Shouldn't Be Alive...I Don't Want to Be**

I have been to over two hundred funerals in the past four months. My whole life has changed, including me. I am not the fresh, spunky, spirited girl I that I used to be. My once sparkling blue eyes are filled with sadness and exhaustion. My once dazzling blonde hair hangs limply, down around my chest. Ever since that day, where my whole world came crashing down; I wish I would have gone with it. Unfortunately, someone somewhere up there decided to make me suffer. Instead of taking me with them all, I survived. Of course I had fought to stay alive…at first. But by the time I had given up, it was over. They were all dead, every last one of them. I was the only survivor of the school massacre.

My school was new; it had only been around for five years. The high schools in the area where I lived were overpopulated, so we had this beautiful 14 million dollar school built. All of my friends went there, and I was happy. I liked big places with a lot of people, somewhere around 5,000 students to be exact.

Although there had been the usual terrorist news on the television, no one thought anything of it. We just thought that 9-11 was the worst part of it all. Oh how wrong we were.

They had come into the building first. It was a whole terrorist organization. They killed the adults and then took hostages. No one expected this. No one knew what to do. We were helpless teens trapped with a bunch of middle easterners holding us at gunpoint. We stayed prisoners for a few hours, no one making a sound, even though we all had tears streaming down our faces. We knew what was coming. We knew that this was the end for us.

After a while, the bombing started, chunks of the school being blown to bits, the floors caving in, everything. It seemed as though the Middle easterners holding us hostage knew that they were going to die too…and they didn't care. I, myself, was huddled on the ground shaking with tears pouring down my face onto the floor. I knew that was it. I would never see my family. I would never get to be a senior in high school, for I was only a junior at the time. I would never go to the movies again. I would never see my dogs again. I would never stay up late again. I would never even see the sky again.

At that point, I didn't know what came over me, but I rebelled. I slowly crawled behind the man with the gun. He was too absorbed in watching one of my classmates screaming as if she'd gone mad to notice. I quietly stood up and reached my hands around his face and back and broke his neck in one twist. I had never done this before, much less known how. I had only seen it on television, but it worked. I also had never killed a man before. Even as my heart hated him with more passion than I thought possible, I puked until I could only dry heave, the image of his lifeless eyes staring up at me burned the back of my mind.

My little act had given my classmates hope; I saw it on their faces. I told them to run so we might make it. Oh how I wish I wouldn't have seen their faces, because in reality, there was no hope.

We were so close, so very close. We had made it outside running along the streets when the helicopter spotted us. It started shooting and I could hear them fall. One by one. I told them to go in the trees, but it was no good. I only survived, because I had started out first. I only survived by sheer luck.

The massacre was all over the news throughout the country. And somehow I managed to play a large roll in their stories. I was known as The Only One Left; the survivor of the nation's largest school massacre. I had always wanted to make history, but not like this. Not like this at all.

The paparazzi followed me everywhere as well. They were obnoxious and crude and didn't give a damn if I was suffering inside. They only wanted their story, and I was the only hands on witness that was there when the massacre happened. I became the cover of every newspaper out there. I spent those past four months hiding from the paparazzi and going to funerals. Some life huh?

Of course I was experiencing depression. That was to be expected, however, I had no cure. The doctors said it wasn't a hormonal unbalance, it was my mind. My mind wouldn't let me sleep, let me eat, let me live. The hundreds of different medicines they gave me all had effects on my body but not my mind. I became jittery and even fainted once, but never was I happy. The doctors became concerned about me and told my parents that if I didn't move on and get tired of being depressed soon, I would probably end up killing myself.

This news was hard for my parents for I was their living joy, their only child. I was the reason why they didn't fight before the divorce. They didn't want me to get hurt. But now that they could do nothing about my suicide that might happen, they were devastated. They came together again to take shifts of watching me, to make sure that I didn't do it. They also wanted there to be no other reasons if I killed myself.


	2. Leave it all behind and never look back

Chapter 2 is up yay!

hope you like it...remember to review thanks :)

oh and just wondering when i introduce HIM (hehe), should i call him edward or tom (because I love tom sturridge and think he is really talented and absolutely gorgeous! ) please help thanks!

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**L****eave it All Behind And Never Look Back**

I don't really know when I decided to go to England, or why. I'm pretty sure that I just cracked. I wanted to get away from the pressure. Away from the stupid people that gave me pitying looks everywhere I went. Away from the cursed paparazzi. Away from the magazines. Away from the gossip. Away from everything.

But in reality, I think I just wanted to forget. To forget who I was. To just go somewhere where people didn't know me, so I could pretend that everything was fine. Yeah pretend. Because in all honesty, I would never forget. Never. Plus, I had always wanted to go to England.

When I told my parents the news that I wanted to leave, they were overjoyed. They thought that this was the first step in overcoming my depression. Tch, truthfully I was just running away.

The night before the airplane trip thoroughly exhausted me, even though I hadn't really done anything. Before my parents told me that I was just going to live with my mom, Renee, like I did before the massacre, they had given me the long I love you so much speech with the added I'm so proud of you lecture attached to the end. That right there just about wiped me out.

But the worst part about that night was the planning. I had to, of course, look like a normal teenager without the whole beaten up depression appearance in order not to attract any unwanted attention. So the outfit planning and what I was going to do with my hair thing killed me. Four months ago, I could have done it ten times in one night and not even strain a nerve in my brain. However, that was the past. And this was now.

After three hours of complete confusion, I had decided on dark blue jeans, a tight blue t-shirt with a gray cami underneath, and a gray jacket. I would wear my hair wavy and keep my sunglasses on the whole time I was there. Wow what a complicated plan.

When I got to the airport, I was a little overwhelmed. I had always locked myself up in my room during my depression, so it was a bit hard to handle. The busyness of it all brought back memories of my many trips that I took each year. One of the trips was last winter. I went to Colorado with my classmates, my friends that I would never see again, to ski. The stupid flashback made my eyes water, but luckily I still had my oversized sunglasses on.

The airplane trip was surprisingly pleasant. I enjoyed the quiet, peacefulness of the sky except for the occasional kick to my seat from the kid behind me and the snores coming from Renee, who was asleep beside me.

When I finally arrived to London, England, I was one word. Sore. I had never been on a flight for that long and realized that people weren't kidding about the aftereffects.

Going into the busy streets was a bit much for me. I told Renee that I just wanted to go to our new home and unpack. She seemed to understand. After all, this was a big step for me.

Our house was actually really pretty. Much better than where we used to live even though that was average sized. I guess Renee took into consideration that I like big houses.

My room was nice. It was big enough for all my stuff but not large enough to make it feel empty. My favorite part though was the big tri-window thing. I didn't know what it was called, but I remember always wanting one. It had a large window seat that was so soft that I actually thought I might sleep there instead of my bed.

After getting settled in, I decided to see the city for myself. I had never been outside of the U.S. except for Canada, so I was a little excited. Excited. Wow maybe I really was changing.

I told Renee that if she needed anything or if I needed anything, I would call her. I actually had barely touched my phone since the massacre happened. It felt kinda weird to carry it around.

Man, people didn't kid about London. It was beautiful. I loved it immediately and found that my troubled mind was more at ease then it had ever been.

I was pretty sure that I was going to like it here. Thank God. Maybe my life was actually going to change for the better. Hmmm, only time could tell.

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** EdwardsRealBella:** i made bella's hair blonde and made her eyes blue just because I wanted her to be different and not so ordinary. Also, like I said, it's not going to be exactly like Twilight but it'll still be good. :) thanks for reviewing!

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